Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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