i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
