WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
