Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
