Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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