how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
