I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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