i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
