I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Sober January is a disaster.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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