do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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