I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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