i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize