You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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