oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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