just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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