I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
