I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize