I'm sorry my penis didn't work
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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