i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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