I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
