You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
