My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
