Banned from zoo.
Again?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
