I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
