Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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