I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i just made my gag reflex go away.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize