why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
