apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
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