I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
