Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
