if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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