I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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