you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
