So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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