i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
