I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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