I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
