i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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