I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
