I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
