I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
