Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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