Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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