I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
