last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
