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• (517): View more from Michigan

  I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."

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• (516): View more from New York

  My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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• (707): View more from California

  she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

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• (940): View more from Texas

  I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  So how was the sex with me last night?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  No worse than usual.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself

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• (310): View more from California

  Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.

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• (518): View more from New York

  Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato

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• (976): View more from

  Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand

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