please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
