The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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