I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am one with the molecules
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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