I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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