Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i may or may not be watching the land before time
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
