So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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