So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Randomize
