apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
