WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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