i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
