just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize