sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
