awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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