Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
