fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
