My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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