I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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