apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
